The Strangest Treasure

      Sadness is a treasure. This sentence seems like quite the oxymoron, doesn't it? Have you ever seen those two words in the same sentence before? I know I've never put those two things together until now. Sadness has never been a friend to me. I've always done everything I could to avoid it at all costs. Whenever I would get sad, I would try to figure out why I was sad so I could get rid of it as soon as possible instead of just experiencing it and embracing it. It didn't occur to me that most of the time (if not all the time) I have had good reasons to be sad. I keep thinking that grief shouldn't be hitting me so hard anymore or I shouldn't feel so sad right now because life is good. The thing I haven't realized until recently is that when it comes to emotions, there are no, "shoulds."There is no such thing as a way that I should feel. I am free to experience my emotions, whatever they may be and sadness is certainly one of those important emotions to experience.
       The other day I was journaling about sadness and why I dislike it so much. The reasons I came to were:
- It can really hurt.
- It's harder to be around people because I don't have as much energy or things to say.
- I have less confidence in myself when I'm sad.
- I tend to not think as clearly and it can be hard to have conversations sometimes.
- I think I don't have a lot to give and people won't want to be around me.
       I realized that when I get sad, my confidence level drops to all time lows. I have felt incompetent and thought that I have nothing to give when I am sad. That is certainly not true. Why am I any less confident in myself when I'm sad than when I'm not? I am still the same Angela with the same amount to give no matter what emotion I am experiencing. There may be a few things that are a bit more difficult to do when I'm sad, but that certainly doesn't make me incompetent. Before, not only would I get sad, but then I would get anxious and fearful because in my mind I couldn't do things very well if I was sad, especially not counsel clients. That is so untrue and it's so freeing to see that now!
     Another reason I would avoid sadness is because it hurts so much. I am using the term sadness, but in my life in the past 6 years or so, I have experienced grief to the point of making my body ache to the bone. For a while, there were things I did need to avoid when going through that but now I am stronger. It will be three years in March since my Mom's death and this month is six years since my Dad's death and a bit over six years for my niece. I most definitely still experience grief and sadness but it is not as often and it does not take my breath away as much as it did. I am learning that I have to cry and experience the pain no matter how much it hurts. I have gone through more grieving than usual recently because I got married about two months ago. It hurt like hell to not have my parents or niece there. There isn't really any other way to say it, but the support I have experienced has been absolutely wonderful.
     Happiness and joy are that much brighter because of the extreme sadness I have felt. My life isn't beautiful in spite of the sadness, but with the sadness. Sadness and grieving are ways that I can pour out my heart to God and others and intensely feel the things I need to feel. On the other side of sadness is greener grass, brighter colors, a sweeter breeze, and a fuller life. Without sadness, would I really even know what happiness is? Without the tears, would I know how soul-filling a smile and belly laugh can be? Sadness is a part of life and it is a part to be cherished, not ignored and thought of as a "bad" emotion. For most of my life, sadness was completely negative and there was nothing good that ever came from it or so I thought. Now I can see that sadness is a treasure. I don't exactly want to be sad and I wouldn't ask for more sadness in my life, but I do know it will come in due time. I can't avoid it or get rid of it if I tried, and I certainly have.
     When sadness is on the horizon, I am going to do my best to let myself experience it without trying to figure out exactly where it came from or try to get rid of it right away. I am going to let myself feel without any expectations or "shoulds." Just my tissues, my journal, and my vulnerability until relief is near. I will let sadness stay for a while instead of shooing it out at it's first knock on the door. But, I also won't let it stay too long if it starts to turn into depression, it is then that the sadness is taking over. I will not ignore this emotion or any other one. I will let myself feel and I will enjoy life no matter which emotion I am feeling. I will take hold of this strangest treasure and be me, sadness and all.

Picture taken by
Rachel Joy Photos