Wow, I miss this blog. I have been doing a lot of writing lately but it has been in this cool app I got a couple years ago called, "Day One." I completely forgot about it until recently when I had so much in my head that journaling with paper and a pencil was just not going to cut it. I can type way faster than I can write and it hurts my hand way less after three pages. I like the idea of this blog, documenting my life and the things I think about, but I definitely don't want to limit it to just marriage stuff. It seems like every week there is a new topic in my mind that I am thinking about and trying to decipher for myself. Perhaps, this could be a place where I grapple with what I believe, who I am and who I want to be. I decided to change the title because the first one doesn't accurately describe what I want to do with this blog. Becoming a "Mrs." is just part of my life and there are many other mysteries I want to talk about as well. I will call this, "The Mysteries of Being Myself." There are definitely things about myself that I don't understand sometimes and there are new things that I learn all the time. Hopefully this will be a good place to talk about some of those things.
It may seem strange to some to want to talk about struggles and other things on a public forum such as this. It seems like a good idea to me because so many of us struggle with thinking we are the only one with a particular problem. One struggle I have had, and still do sometimes, is thinking that everyone else has their stuff more together than I do. It seems like others don't struggle with depression and anxiety like I do and they don't have some of the fears that I do. The more I have been with clients who struggle with those things and the more I have gotten to know the people I come in contact with everyday, I have realized that I am definitely not alone in those struggles.
We are all on the same playing field.
People who are really high up in the government, businesses, or in Hollywood have just as many or similar struggles as Joe Shmoe who lives in a run-down neighborhood, or Sally Wally who lives in a downtown apartment. Our culture makes a hierarchy of sorts with really rich, good looking people on the top and really poor people on the bottom. The truth is though that no one is better than anyone else. If we take off the degrees and titles behind our names, we strip away the the money, the big homes, the expensive gadgets and we just stand beside one another, we are all on the same level. Each person is as important as the next person.
I truly believe that each person who is born has inherent worth. I view each person as inherently valuable. For some reason, it is very difficult to see myself that way but it is much easier to see that in others. We all make mistakes, but sometimes I think my mistakes are worse than other peoples. I have tended to view everyone else's opinions and beliefs as more important than my own, like they know better than I do. I am learning now how absolutely untrue that is!
I want to change this blog up a bit and keep adding to it because I have realized how much that fear has silenced me. I have been afraid of what others would think of me, of what I say, afraid of others not liking me or thinking I was weird. I have been afraid to speak up and stand up for myself when there was an injustice towards me or I disagreed with someone. I have been afraid to be myself for a long time and I choose now as the time to stop being afraid and start being who I truly am. I want to start revealing the mysteries of being myself, being Mrs. Crundwell, being Angela. I realize that the fear that has been so ingrained in me will probably not completely stop with one decision today. It will take many decisions to keep choosing to not be afraid. I am a work in progress. Fighting fear and thought patterns that I have had for years will not happen overnight, it is a continual thing.
Everything in my being wants to be the complete opposite of silent!
I want to speak up and be me no matter what anyone else says or thinks. I want all of us to stop caring what other people think. For the most part, everyone is insecure about something. We all want to be liked, but we can't be something that we're not in order to be liked by others. Have you ever stopped to think about the amount of pressure that is on us each and every day to be someone that we're not? Culture says that we should be a certain way, our family says we should be a certain way, we tell ourselves we should be a certain way. I, for one, am really tired of trying to be something I'm not.
I'm done being the person I think I "should" be. I'm ready to just be who I am.
I don't necessarily know exactly who I am, but I do know quite a bit and I get to choose the rest. I have to consciously remind myself that there is no such thing as the person that I should be. I can just be me. I can relax and stop doing so much and start being. There are so many things I could say and keep going on with this post, but the point is that I would like to use this blog as a way to break the silence. It is a small step in the direction of my figuring out who I am, being that person without caring what other people think, and to not let fear silence me any longer. I choose to speak up, stand up for myself, and share what I am struggling with in hopes that someone else might be able to relate. I refuse to be silenced any longer. My voice matters and I get to share it on this blog.
If you've read this far, thank you for joining me on this journey of self-discovery. I love introspection, it is my friend (for the most part). I probably do too much introspection sometimes and I need to just calm down and let myself be, but it is very important to me to be self-aware and be as healthy as I can be emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually. As this post comes to an end, I leave you with some questions to ponder:
1. What sort of pressures do you put on yourself? What pressures are on you from outside sources like culture, family, friends, etc that tell you who you should be?
2. How does fear hold you back in life?
3. How can you break free from the "shoulds" that are put on you in life?
4. If you have ever felt silenced by anyone or anything, what is it that you want to say now?
That is all for now. Have a most wonderful Friday and Memorial Day everyone!
Let us be ourselves, speak up for what we believe in, and know that we have worth just as we are right now.
