It's here. The time I've been waiting for… the joy, wonder, and celebration. The time I have looked forward to for a long time. The time that I thought would just never get here is finally here! Around this time of year, you may assume I'm talking about Christmas and the holiday season. I am excited about this time of year, but I am talking about this point in my life. I've never been happier (for the most part), more myself, felt more free, or been more courageous in my entire life. I will begin with saying that I have it found it very interesting that before I got married, I used to put marriage on this pedestal because I wanted it so much and it just seemed so wonderful. I just thought about all the wonderful parts, the intimacy, the friendship, and the home building. For a long time, I thought getting married was reaching the end of my singleness journey and I had finally made it! I didn't realize that marriage was just one step (and one glorious step I might add) into the future. It is only the beginning. That seems so obvious now, but looking back at my life, a lot of time was put into finding the right guy. Dating and eventually marriage was a huge goal I was working towards and now that is it here, the energy I was using to find a husband is now being transformed into making a wonderful, long-lasting marriage.
After graduating and getting married this year, many things in my life are shifting. I am no longer a student after countless years of classes and homework assignments. I am no longer single after years of dating, heart break, and searching. I am entering the professional world while still working at Starbucks for almost a year when I thought I was going to be there for a couple months. I am getting stronger each day internally now that is has been almost three years since my Mom died and about six years since my Dad and niece died. I am learning how to handle grief, how to recognize it when it hits and how to express it when I need to express it. I am learning how to fight fear and I am learning how to recognize when it is holding me back, and my heavens, how fear has held me back in life. I have been figuring out what lies I have believed about myself since I was a young girl and I am learning how to truly be me. Without the things that I have gotten used to living with, these past few months have been a time of soul-searching. Who am I now that almost every area of my life has shifted in one way or another?
I have many answers to that question and I know that my answers will always change and something will be added and something taken away. The thing is that I am allowed to be anyone I want to be. I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what they think I should say or do or what I should wear. None of us have to. I am going to do what I want to do or say and not let what other people think dictate what I do. Plus, usually it is me thinking that other people have certain expectations when they may not at all. Do you know how completely freeing it is to just get up in the morning and be me every single day? I'm not going to be the person I think I "should" be anymore, I am going to be me to the core of who I am. I refuse to believe that I am not enough, that belief has probably held me back more than any other one. When I'm me, I get to feel however I feel without trying to change how I feel to please others. I get to have my own thoughts and opinions that are just as important as everyone else's and I feel completely comfortable in my own skin.
Many days I do feel that way, but it is still quite a challenge. I wake up every morning and remind myself to be me. After years of trying to be someone I'm not because I didn't think I was enough, being me does not come naturally…. yet. I am intentionally fighting fear because I refuse to be afraid of people or life. Sometimes it wins for a little while, but the amount of time it takes over becomes less and less each time. I am trying to be intentional about living in the moment. I have tended to be someone who lives in the future and that is also where anxiety lives. Taking a trip to "what if" land is pointless. It doesn't help me in any way, shape, or form. I want to fully live in the moment. I want to be fully present with the people I'm with and with myself in the here and now. I want to live with intentionality and not be a bystander as life just happens along. I have realized that happiness and courage in general do not just happen, I have to fight for them. My thoughts do not encourage me most of the time, I have to be intentional about what I put in my head. I pay attention to how I am feeling and if I need to do anything about it. If I'm feeling sad, do I need to cry? Draw? Talk to someone or just sit quietly? Do I need to do anything but just be?
Much of my life has just passed me by because I've been stuck in either the past or future. When I focus on those things, I am discontent with the present. Even now I would love to live in a bigger city, I would like to have a job that has more steady income with the population I want to work with (we'll see about that one ;)), I want to have kids soon-ish, I want to lose weight, I want to have enough money to go shopping for lots of clothing, etc. Those things may or may not happen and they will be important eventually. Are they that important right now? No, probably not. Right now, I am thankful for my two jobs even when they drive me crazy. I am thankful for our cute little married house in small town America where I have been able to get my master's degree and meet my husband. I'm thankful for my health and that I have lost some weight this year. I am thankful that I have a full and rich future ahead of me, and hopefully the full and rich part are with money and with relationships and experiences.
Not only is my life where I want it to be and I have worked so hard to get here, I am fully here and ready to live. I am ready to battle the things that hold me back, I'm ready to fight for our marriage in an age where marriage is pretty much the same as buying something at the store, you can return it if it doesn't work right away. I am ready to be the best counselor that I can possibly be and I'm ready to see myself through eyes of truth. I'm celebrating being the healthiest that I've ever been emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually. The time is here and it didn't just get here, I worked hard to be where I am today. I am here, in this moment, celebrating life to the full.
