The Mysteries of Being Myself

       Wow, I miss this blog. I have been doing a lot of writing lately but it has been in this cool app I got a couple years ago called, "Day One." I completely forgot about it until recently when I had so much in my head that journaling with paper and a pencil was just not going to cut it. I can type way faster than I can write and it hurts my hand way less after three pages. I like the idea of this blog, documenting my life and the things I think about, but I definitely don't want to limit it to just marriage stuff. It seems like every week there is a new topic in my mind that I am thinking about and trying to decipher for myself. Perhaps, this could be a place where I grapple with what I believe, who I am and who I want to be. I decided to change the title because the first one doesn't accurately describe what I want to do with this blog. Becoming a "Mrs." is just part of my life and there are many other mysteries I want to talk about as well. I will call this, "The Mysteries of Being Myself." There are definitely things about myself that I don't understand sometimes and there are new things that I learn all the time. Hopefully this will be a good place to talk about some of those things.
       It may seem strange to some to want to talk about struggles and other things on a public forum such as this. It seems like a good idea to me because so many of us struggle with thinking we are the only one with a particular problem. One struggle I have had, and still do sometimes, is thinking that everyone else has their stuff more together than I do. It seems like others don't struggle with depression and anxiety like I do and they don't have some of the fears that I do. The more I have been with clients who struggle with those things and the more I have gotten to know the people I come in contact with everyday, I have realized that I am definitely not alone in those struggles.

We are all on the same playing field. 

People who are really high up in the government, businesses, or in Hollywood have just as many or similar struggles as Joe Shmoe who lives in a run-down neighborhood, or Sally Wally who lives in a downtown apartment. Our culture makes a hierarchy of sorts with really rich, good looking people on the top and really poor people on the bottom. The truth is though that no one is better than anyone else. If we take off the degrees and titles behind our names, we strip away the the money, the big homes, the expensive gadgets and we just stand beside one another, we are all on the same level. Each person is as important as the next person.
     I truly believe that each person who is born has inherent worth. I view each person as inherently valuable. For some reason, it is very difficult to see myself that way but it is much easier to see that in others. We all make mistakes, but sometimes I think my mistakes are worse than other peoples. I have tended to view everyone else's opinions and beliefs as more important than my own, like they know better than I do. I am learning now how absolutely untrue that is!
      I want to change this blog up a bit and keep adding to it because I have realized how much that fear has silenced me. I have been afraid of what others would think of me, of what I say, afraid of others not liking me or thinking I was weird. I have been afraid to speak up and stand up for myself when there was an injustice towards me or I disagreed with someone. I have been afraid to be myself for a long time and I choose now as the time to stop being afraid and start being who I truly am. I want to start revealing the mysteries of being myself, being Mrs. Crundwell, being Angela. I realize that the fear that has been so ingrained in me will probably not completely stop with one decision today. It will take many decisions to keep choosing to not be afraid. I am a work in progress. Fighting fear and thought patterns that I have had for years will not happen overnight, it is a continual thing.

Everything in my being wants to be the complete opposite of silent! 

     I want to speak up and be me no matter what anyone else says or thinks. I want all of us to stop caring what other people think. For the most part, everyone is insecure about something. We all want to be liked, but we can't be something that we're not in order to be liked by others. Have you ever stopped to think about the amount of pressure that is on us each and every day to be someone that we're not? Culture says that we should be a certain way, our family says we should be a certain way, we tell ourselves we should be a certain way. I, for one, am really tired of trying to be something I'm not.

I'm done being the person I think I "should" be. I'm ready to just be who I am.

    I don't necessarily know exactly who I am, but I do know quite a bit and I get to choose the rest. I have to consciously remind myself that there is no such thing as the person that I should be. I can just be me. I can relax and stop doing so much and start being. There are so many things I could say and keep going on with this post, but the point is that I would like to use this blog as a way to break the silence. It is a small step in the direction of my figuring out who I am, being that person without caring what other people think, and to not let fear silence me any longer. I choose to speak up, stand up for myself, and share what I am struggling with in hopes that someone else might be able to relate.  I refuse to be silenced any longer. My voice matters and I get to share it on this blog.

    If you've read this far, thank you for joining me on this journey of self-discovery. I love introspection, it is my friend (for the most part). I probably do too much introspection sometimes and I need to just calm down and let myself be, but it is very important to me to be self-aware and be as healthy as I can be emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually. As this post comes to an end, I leave you with some questions to ponder:

1. What sort of pressures do you put on yourself? What pressures are on you from outside sources like culture, family, friends, etc that tell you who you should be?

2. How does fear hold you back in life?

3. How can you break free from the "shoulds" that are put on you in life?

4. If you have ever felt silenced by anyone or anything, what is it that you want to say now?

That is all for now. Have a most wonderful Friday and Memorial Day everyone!
Let us be ourselves, speak up for what we believe in, and know that we have worth just as we are right now.

It's Here

           It's here. The time I've been waiting for… the joy, wonder, and celebration. The time I have looked forward to for a long time. The time that I thought would just never get here is finally here! Around this time of year, you may assume I'm talking about Christmas and the holiday season. I am excited about this time of year, but I am talking about this point in my life. I've never been happier (for the most part), more myself, felt more free, or been more courageous in my entire life. I will begin with saying that I have it found it very interesting that before I got married, I used to put marriage on this pedestal because I wanted it so much and it just seemed so wonderful. I just thought about all the wonderful parts, the intimacy, the friendship, and the home building. For a long time, I thought getting married was reaching the end of my singleness journey and I had finally made it! I didn't realize that marriage was just one step (and one glorious step I might add) into the future. It is only the beginning. That seems so obvious now, but looking back at my life, a lot of time was put into finding the right guy.   Dating and eventually marriage was a huge goal I was working towards and now that is it here, the energy I was using to find a husband is now being transformed into making a wonderful, long-lasting marriage.
       After graduating and getting married this year, many things in my life are shifting. I am no longer a student after countless years of classes and homework assignments. I am no longer single after years of dating, heart break, and searching. I am entering the professional world while still working at Starbucks for almost a year when I thought I was going to be there for a couple months. I am getting stronger each day internally now that is has been almost three years since my Mom died and about six years since my Dad and niece died. I am learning how to handle grief, how to recognize it when it hits and how to express it when I need to express it. I am learning how to fight fear and I am learning how to recognize when it is holding me back, and my heavens, how fear has held me back in life. I have been figuring out what lies I have believed about myself since I was a young girl and I am learning how to truly be me. Without the things that I have gotten used to living with, these past few months have been a time of soul-searching. Who am I now that almost every area of my life has shifted in one way or another?
       I have many answers to that question and I know that my answers will always change and something will be added and something taken away. The thing is that I am allowed to be anyone I want to be. I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what they think I should say or do or what I should wear. None of us have to. I am going to do what I want to do or say and not let what other people think dictate what I do. Plus, usually it is me thinking that other people have certain expectations when they may not at all. Do you know how completely freeing it is to just get up in the morning and be me every single day? I'm not going to be the person I think I "should" be anymore, I am going to be me to the core of who I am. I refuse to believe that I am not enough, that belief has probably held me back more than any other one. When I'm me, I get to feel however I feel without trying to change how I feel to please others. I get to have my own thoughts and opinions that are just as important as everyone else's and I feel completely comfortable in my own skin.
         Many days I do feel that way, but it is still quite a challenge. I wake up every morning and remind myself to be me. After years of trying to be someone I'm not because I didn't think I was enough, being me does not come naturally…. yet. I am intentionally fighting fear because I refuse to be afraid of people or life. Sometimes it wins for a little while, but the amount of time it takes over becomes less and less each time. I am trying to be intentional about living in the moment. I have tended to be someone who lives in the future and that is also where anxiety lives. Taking a trip to "what if" land is pointless. It doesn't help me in any way, shape, or form. I want to fully live in the moment. I want to be fully present with the people I'm with and with myself in the here and now. I want to live with intentionality and not be a bystander as life just happens along. I have realized that happiness and courage in general do not just happen, I have to fight for them. My thoughts do not encourage me most of the time, I have to be intentional about what I put in my head. I pay attention to how I am feeling and  if I need to do anything about it. If I'm feeling sad, do I need to cry? Draw? Talk to someone or just sit quietly? Do I need to do anything but just be?
         Much of my life has just passed me by because I've been stuck in either the past or future. When I focus on those things, I am discontent with the present. Even now I would love to live in a bigger city, I would like to have a job that has more steady income with the population I want to work with (we'll see about that one ;)), I want to have kids soon-ish, I want to lose weight, I want to have enough money to go shopping for lots of clothing, etc. Those things may or may not happen and they will be important eventually. Are they that important right now? No, probably not. Right now, I am thankful for my two jobs even when they drive me crazy. I am thankful for our cute little married house in small town America where I have been able to get my master's degree and meet my husband. I'm thankful for my health and that I have lost some weight this year. I am thankful that I have a full and rich future ahead of me, and hopefully the full and rich part are with money and with relationships and experiences.
         Not only is my life where I want it to be and I have worked so hard to get here, I am fully here and ready to live. I am ready to battle the things that hold me back, I'm ready to fight for our marriage in an age where marriage is pretty much the same as buying something at the store, you can return it if it doesn't work right away. I am ready to be the best counselor that I can possibly be and I'm ready to see myself through eyes of truth. I'm celebrating being the healthiest that I've ever been emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually. The time is here and it didn't just get here, I worked hard to be where I am today. I am here, in this moment, celebrating life to the full.

The Strangest Treasure

      Sadness is a treasure. This sentence seems like quite the oxymoron, doesn't it? Have you ever seen those two words in the same sentence before? I know I've never put those two things together until now. Sadness has never been a friend to me. I've always done everything I could to avoid it at all costs. Whenever I would get sad, I would try to figure out why I was sad so I could get rid of it as soon as possible instead of just experiencing it and embracing it. It didn't occur to me that most of the time (if not all the time) I have had good reasons to be sad. I keep thinking that grief shouldn't be hitting me so hard anymore or I shouldn't feel so sad right now because life is good. The thing I haven't realized until recently is that when it comes to emotions, there are no, "shoulds."There is no such thing as a way that I should feel. I am free to experience my emotions, whatever they may be and sadness is certainly one of those important emotions to experience.
       The other day I was journaling about sadness and why I dislike it so much. The reasons I came to were:
- It can really hurt.
- It's harder to be around people because I don't have as much energy or things to say.
- I have less confidence in myself when I'm sad.
- I tend to not think as clearly and it can be hard to have conversations sometimes.
- I think I don't have a lot to give and people won't want to be around me.
       I realized that when I get sad, my confidence level drops to all time lows. I have felt incompetent and thought that I have nothing to give when I am sad. That is certainly not true. Why am I any less confident in myself when I'm sad than when I'm not? I am still the same Angela with the same amount to give no matter what emotion I am experiencing. There may be a few things that are a bit more difficult to do when I'm sad, but that certainly doesn't make me incompetent. Before, not only would I get sad, but then I would get anxious and fearful because in my mind I couldn't do things very well if I was sad, especially not counsel clients. That is so untrue and it's so freeing to see that now!
     Another reason I would avoid sadness is because it hurts so much. I am using the term sadness, but in my life in the past 6 years or so, I have experienced grief to the point of making my body ache to the bone. For a while, there were things I did need to avoid when going through that but now I am stronger. It will be three years in March since my Mom's death and this month is six years since my Dad's death and a bit over six years for my niece. I most definitely still experience grief and sadness but it is not as often and it does not take my breath away as much as it did. I am learning that I have to cry and experience the pain no matter how much it hurts. I have gone through more grieving than usual recently because I got married about two months ago. It hurt like hell to not have my parents or niece there. There isn't really any other way to say it, but the support I have experienced has been absolutely wonderful.
     Happiness and joy are that much brighter because of the extreme sadness I have felt. My life isn't beautiful in spite of the sadness, but with the sadness. Sadness and grieving are ways that I can pour out my heart to God and others and intensely feel the things I need to feel. On the other side of sadness is greener grass, brighter colors, a sweeter breeze, and a fuller life. Without sadness, would I really even know what happiness is? Without the tears, would I know how soul-filling a smile and belly laugh can be? Sadness is a part of life and it is a part to be cherished, not ignored and thought of as a "bad" emotion. For most of my life, sadness was completely negative and there was nothing good that ever came from it or so I thought. Now I can see that sadness is a treasure. I don't exactly want to be sad and I wouldn't ask for more sadness in my life, but I do know it will come in due time. I can't avoid it or get rid of it if I tried, and I certainly have.
     When sadness is on the horizon, I am going to do my best to let myself experience it without trying to figure out exactly where it came from or try to get rid of it right away. I am going to let myself feel without any expectations or "shoulds." Just my tissues, my journal, and my vulnerability until relief is near. I will let sadness stay for a while instead of shooing it out at it's first knock on the door. But, I also won't let it stay too long if it starts to turn into depression, it is then that the sadness is taking over. I will not ignore this emotion or any other one. I will let myself feel and I will enjoy life no matter which emotion I am feeling. I will take hold of this strangest treasure and be me, sadness and all.

Picture taken by
Rachel Joy Photos

   

Freshly Brewed Blog

     Well folks, I decided to start a new blog. My other one was more pertinent when I was single and figuring life out in that way, but this time life is different and I have a permanent plus one. I have only been married for roughly two months but the amount of thinking, praying, changing, and creating I have done in that short amount of time is quite amazing. I would like a place where I can discuss marriage, work, struggles, home projects, and more about myself. I'm in a phase of life right now that is freeing. I'm all done with school, I'm starting a counseling job but it is a slow start and I'm married to my best friend. I have more free time than I've had in years and I have been able to be more creative in my home and work than ever before. I feel good. I feel happy. I'm excited for what is happening now and what is to come. I don't know how often I'll write on this blog, but hopefully I'll get to share a little bit about my life and maybe it will help someone to be able to more fully live as well. The first thing I        will share is that hand mixers do wonders to make frothed milk! I got this idea from my wonderful Mother-in-Law. I married into a pretty awesome family, but I'll get to them later. Here is my joyous cup of coffee! Happy Monday!